Nostalgic

This will be my last post in a while so it will be the last essay you have to read, should you choose to! It could be tl;dr so apologies in advance.

I've demonstrated traits normally attributable to women, in the last few months - indecision, fear, confusion. One minute poker is the greatest thing since sliced bread, the next, my exams are the most important thing in my life, or my girlfriend, or my friends, or going home. I was and am never able to strike that balance. My interests also differ weekly.

The thought processes have always been in the back of my mind but after talking aloud and discussing it, a decision has been found, brought forward from the depths of my brain somewhere. Its perhaps obvious, perhaps imminent or perhaps downright stupid. Either way, poker has just been knocked down a fair few rungs on the ladder.

My mindset isn't where it once was. I'm in a downswing, which has contributed to my lack of desire to play and most worryingly, my lack of desire to improve. That should be the other way round but when I have no desire to analyse hands nor boot up a table, one has to question their overall commitment.
I'm too engrossed in the enjoyment of being in a relationship, being at home with friends and family, having the capacity to do more things through financial security, organising birthday's, focusing on my career and degree. All of these things have slowly worked themselves up the priority list, sub-consciously and I can only assume that is due to my arrogance and complacency. I have achieved a lot in poker I feel and indeed, will continue to do so.

I deposited £300 on November 28th 2009. From that £300 I have now totalled withdrawals of £4289. That represents a huge sum of money for someone in my position - a full-time student. That also demonstrates a candid ability to beat the game. If I do say so myself.

However, all is not over and all is not lost.

In some respects I feel as if a new challenge may invigorate me and offer me a new sense of purpose. However, fundamentally, due to the environment I find myself in, putting in 6/7/8 hour sessions every night isn't feasible. Nor do I want to do that, I'd sooner be just chilling with family or being out with friends. The euros also seem to be in decline so that primarily led to my decision to withdraw everything from those, as opposed to anywhere else. I'll be in Greece for the month of August, bar a few days, I'll be in London next week etc etc, the list is endless. Poker requires commitment, opponents improve daily so I'm just falling further behind and effectively only increasing variance/downswings, which initially were my reason for not playing. I beat the game but I used that as an excuse not to improve at the same rate. Enough is enough.

I do love playing the game though and I will continue to do so. I have left about $1100 on Stars and will look at grinding the 90mans/45mans. These are something I can do with Jon also, which will probably entice me to improve alongside him and also instil the competitiveness back into our friendship, which will only spur us both on, I'm sure. I'll also continue to play the MTTs on Stars but be very selective and use a ratio. I'll give all of that some thought though and perhaps post at the end of the week.

I hope I don't live to regret the decision but I feel its a sensible one to reach following a very rewarding experience.

Now for the next stage of my "career"...

Its been a while...

I haven't posted in a while so I thought I best update on what I have been doing with my life!

So, it'll be a short post then!

I finally managed to move home a week ago and am extremely happy about that fact! I'll deal with how its affecting poker first and foremost. We had some trouble with various ISPs and as a result were internet-less until the middle of this week. It was great when it initially came - we were all getting 27mb for 48 hours despite not paying for that particular service. Now, we struggle to get 2 and literally I'm sure this is far from a broadband service; its awful! They say that it may take 10 days for the line to stabilise and, to be fair, if I can get 27 one day and 2 the next surely there will be some happy median, please?!?! Needless to say, its proving impossible to play poker on this service, although I have only attempted today for the first time.

I went to Jon's for a grinding session yesterday and, uniquely, we both had a profit session! I played a mix of $6 45man - $12 180s. They were really enjoyable and I felt its an interesting method of being able to improve my game. The only real downside was how long they took to fill up - the $12s in particular. This is a real pain in the arse but something I'll have to live with I guess. Despite it being a relatively small profit - $160, I do intend to start playing these a bit. When (I hope) the internet sorts itself out and finds a balance, I still have the issue of when I'm able to play and for how long so big sessions are something of a tall order. So I'm going to start mixing in some of these things and after the recent withdrawals and the downswing, it may offer an opportunity to grind it back up and find a suitable level of stability. Curse you variance!

Other than that, I've had a couple of great nights with friends, where pretty much everyone has made the effort to come out and have a catch-up. The highlight has to be last night, having been grinding the tables with Jon at his place we met up with Jack for a curry and couple of beers, a nice civilised evening... No. We stayed in our new found home - a pub in Newport until close and then made the terrible decision of going back to Jack's. Oh and via this god awful cocktail bar in Newport. I promise you I have never had a worse drink. Going to Jack's normally ends one way - badly. At least from a health point of view.. After playing a few live turbo's between 4 of us, we then felt the need to be flipping £1's for about 3 hours. £1, hand of poker dealt, winner takes all - £4. It was hilarious and probably the most baller/stupid thing we have ever done. I think I will take a deck of cards with me every time we go to The Barley now, its pretty epic. Having been £25 down at one point I ended up losing £3 in the end, on that game. I think Jon ended up the big loser, which was hilarious (sorry mate). Everyone bar Jack, who seems to have some sort of spiritual guidance when it comes to run good in his own house, went through a phase of losing exceptional amounts of money and there came a point where we just had to set a time limit - 5am, otherwise it would go on forever. At 4.30am I was £21 down lol and tilting like an absolute mother fucker. At 5am Jon was probably something in the region of £15 down. Hilarious.

Literally it was so much fun. Obviously I'm not sure if I would advocate the game so much if I was a big loser but even so, its variance and I'm sure it will happen again. Next time I go to the pub I'll be armed with loose change and a deck of cards.

So yeh, having got home at 8am and not slept I feel like absolute horse shit and question why the hell I ever do these things but hey, its evident from last night that summer is here, people are back and we'll have an awesome time. It shades a few years off my life when I go to Jack's but it sure as hell is worth it.

Here's to July!

Well after my last rant I spoke to a couple of people, rationalised my thoughts and perhaps came to a calmer conclusion. I was certainly tilted at the time and took a very narrow view.

That said, much of my logic remains intact, the only real change is my personal motivation etc. I'm currently on a $1300 downswing and its certainly not something I'm neither used to nor experienced before. Although attempting to segregate the roll from my own personal finances, I have always had that figure in the back of my mind for the purposes of holiday(s) etc. With this in mind, I'm not prepared to let it deplete any further without taking evasive action. I also want to remain committed to the game however and stay on track for my annual target and longer term targets.

Essentially the reasoning I mentioned before is still ever-present. I don't take immense satisfaction from winning a tournament and outlasting 'x' amount or players. I don't relate it to Lampard scoring a goal for England on the international stage. Oh wait... I am happy to win a tournament due to the cash injection it provides. I don't view it or treat it as a hobby and in all honesty I think that's a more sensible approach. So, in June 2011 I will be graduating and effectively have to stop playing poker. My aim has always been to accumulate a nice little nest egg so at that point I can invest it or go on a sick holiday. Depends how mature and sensible I feel at the time.

I am now moving out of this flat on Saturday, not tomorrow, so intend to play every single night with my new roll of $4000. That represents a $1900 withdrawal, which will see me through over the summer and give me a decent amount of disposable income to enjoy without having the pressure to work. I'm in Greece between the 05th and 24th August but home until that point so there is zero point in me attempting to get a job for like 4 weeks. It would only be part-time so the most I could earn in Shropshire would be about £500 and that's assuming I have the job from day 1, which I clearly don't! So, if we said I could earn £300 in that four week period - it aint worth getting out of bed for. I can earn that through poker, downswing or not, I'll manage it. Hell, I have a PS3 and couple of games worth £180, I'll sell that and save myself working! I also don't have to be back at uni until practically October so it gives me July and September to grind, and grind I shall.

The level of volume I'm able to put in is entirely dependent on my parent's attitude and reaction towards it. They may not like it night-after-night and I do want to be out with friends a lot, just chilling etc. I can certainly get in a good 3 sessions a week though and that's basically what I've been doing for 8 months. But the main change from my point of view now is that I want and am determined to play out of this downswing. I can have that $8/9k back again, I just have to work for it. I became a bit arrogant and complacent with my game so hopefully some grinding and sweat sessions at Jon's can help me pick up the pace a bit, as well as spending pain-staking hours on 2p2 - something else I haven't done in a while.

So anyway, to cut an awfully long story short - I'm going to try and play a hell of a lot this week, in between packing etc and then I'll pick it up again sporadically next week. I'll just have to be a bit careful with the bankroll again and play sensibly. Hopefully normal service is resumed soon though....

GL and see you at the tables later!

Reality Check/Be Sensible

Due to the $1200+ downswing I find myself on, the roll has depleted to $6000.

That is currently the bottom line and no matter what way you look at it, I'm losing money consistently. I've put in a couple of decent sessions since my last post, analysed my play, thought about my game and where it sits in my future and its basically just becoming a burden now.

I did well in exams having got results on Monday so I have now been looking at planning my immediate future - the summer. Whilst doing so I obviously take into account the money I have "invested" in poker. Having gone from one extreme to the other with my thought processes I can only conclude that I wish I had jumped off the wave of euphoria some months ago, thought about it logically and made consistent withdrawals to help reduce the impact (mentally if nothing else) of variance. Withdrawing $100 for every $500 I win or something. At the end of the day, whether I were to quit tomorrow or in 5 years the end product and goal is the same - I want to earn money. I'm not investing thousands of pounds into a hobby nor segregating the money in its entirety. I was foolish in that sense and was too fixated on watching the roll grow, as opposed to thinking and acting my age. Beggars can't be choosers after all.

I don't intend to quit but I do intend to make the most of the hours, blood and sweat I have put in over the past few months. I also know at some point downswings have to end, whether that be tomorrow or on my last night of playing this summer prior to returning to university. It will end. However, I intend to reduce the roll to a certain degree and roll myself for something like $15s - allowing my AVG buy-in to remain close to the $11 as well as throwing the $22s on the euros in there.

At the end of the day I don't actually need that amount of money on there and this is where the virtual roll comes into play. I'm planning my girlfriend a pretty massive bash for her 21st, intend to spend the best part of a month in Greece in August and will then be house-hunting again come September so be forced to stump up deposits. At the same time I want to enjoy summer and use the time to see friends and chill out mainly and at some point get some more work experience under my belt. I certainly won't be working full-time and any part-time job is a mere fantasy right now. That suits me - the last two summers have been work-orientated and I am now fortunate enough to not have to worry about money in the same way as I may have done in the past.

So essentially I have gone full circle. Rather than poker take a front seat over the summer, its being pushed down the pecking order somewhat. Having a $4000 roll or something like that is perfectly sufficient for the games I play and I truly believe I can rebuild from there and be at the same level again come the end of the year. Right now, I'm 21 in 3 weeks, money will become an issue later down the line, life will become an issue down the line. All that matters now is my overall happiness and I sure as hell aint happy punting $300 down the drain night after night knowing that could be spent on family, friends, girlfriend, me, whatever.

So, bring on Tuesday, get me home, let me see my mates, let me enjoy life.

Life downwsings > poker downswings.

Waste of time. Again.

I may as well write this now, as I find myself staring down the barrel and having 1 measly table left at this fine hour.

Again, a nice little portrayal of how the night has gone is this - 30mins ago I had 5 tables left and was approaching the bubble in all. 10mins ago I had 3 tables left and was in the final 35 of all of them. After losing AA to AK and A7 to A3 for massive stacks and ultimately my tournament life, I'm now contemplating murder.

The rest of the night was a fucking waste of time as well, the examples above were as interesting as it got, basically cos I was losing flips ITM as opposed to level fucking 4.

I appreciate variance and I'm not even scraping the edges in reality. I also appreciate how well I have ran up until this point. But seriously, every time I sit down to put in a session at the moment I just lose money. I can't even be arsed to do the exact maths now but last time out I was on a downswing totalling over $600. I was in for $360 tonight and at the time of writing have 3 cashes from 30 tournaments, amounting to $65. Brilliant. Still, at least I'm cashing now. Wahey!
The roll will have depleted to the $6k mark after my withdrawal the other week also. Fortunately that's the only thing keeping me going (obviously). The timing is a real kick in the balls, coupled with how much time and energy I'm devoting to it per se. But fortunately I can just about sustain it financially, although this can't continue for too much longer. Dropping the $22s from my schedule will be a pain also, as there are far less $11s around, on the euros at least...

Shall have a serious think about it all over the next week. Right now I'm obviously massively tilted and down about a lot of other stuff anyway.

I just hope the exam results are positive tomorrow, that's a start and I can at least put that to one side.

Anyway, barring a miracle in this last tournament (28 left) its another cracking losing night, bringing a torrid week to an end! To be fair even if I ship this I don't break-even for the fortnight ($800 to 1st).

Agh poker..... C'est la vie.



EDIT:

I actually came 7th in that tournament but I'm more tilted than I was before. Having ground my way up to 2nd in chips without showdown I was feeling fairly good. The chip leader, an awful player (aren't they always) then went on life tilt having made a horrific call and losing part of his stack, giving me the chip lead. A shorty shoves the very next hand (11bbs), he then whacks in his 30+ bb stack and I happily call with AK on the BTN, having them both covered, just. The chip leader routinely rivers his J, enabling his QJ to take it over my AK and the shorty's AT. Fucking standard.

4 hands later and some moron limps in the CO, despite having <15bbs, with 22, I shove AJ for like 4bbs, hit my A on the flop only for him to river a deuce. Fucking standard.

I got $180 and a $108 tourney ticket for my trouble but whatever, may as well have busted it earlier as far as I'm concerned. Tomorrow best be good.

Here we go!

I thought I'd quickly update this as I'm about to start the biggest session I've ever had. This could be great or awful!
As it stands I'm basically in every decent tournament that I'm rolled for between now and 11pm, with the exception of finishing slightly earlier on Stars due to the field sizes. I may change that though as I didn't get home until 5am last night and slept until 1pm so I imagine I'll still be going strong come midnight.

I've got my exam results tomorrow and I'm shitting it so I think a friend might come round for the sweat and keep me company, saving me from going stark raving mad at losing lots of money and the prospect of getting exam results tomorrow!!

On another note, I had a wicked night last night. Spent 3.5hours sailing up and down the Thames on this party boat. A unique experience with probably only 100 people, 1 bar, 1 dancefloor and 2 epic DJs. It was insane. Everybody was great fun, a great atmosphere. Never experienced anything like it and can't wait to do so again. With the ticket came free entry to Pacha also and OMG, immense. Best club by a country mile and its not even for the normal reasons. Everything about it was insane, although expensive!
The women in there and on the boat....wow.

The night was topped off when we left the club however and the experience really epitomises London for me. There we are at this sandwich bar next to the club waiting for the bus when a tramp in a top hat comes up to us and says "alright boys, I'm gonna do something slightly different to a normal beggar..."

He whacks out this deck of cards and whilst switching from a cockney, welsh, irish, scottish, brum, manc, northern accent he proceeds to do these INSANE card tricks. The pinnacle of which was me pulling out the 5 of clubs from my suit jacket pocket having seen the deck shuffled 3 times and then shuffling it myself....

In return I gave him like 7 quid which I thought was pretty baller and I'm not sure the crowd we had round us by this point could believe it either... He was legitimately a tramp as well, I only wish I had my wits about him, took his details and signed him to something...he'd go down a treat in he Butlins of the world!

Anyway, awesome fun and I hope I can now top it off with a bink. ONE TIME!

^$&£$*"&!&"$&"

Things are going from bad to worse. And its increasing in frustration.

Previously I was recouping some 10% of losses and decreasing the tilt factor by making 3/4 cashes each session, which may even be coupled with a deep run towards the final table. Now, however, I just fail to cash per se.

I spoke to Jon about it last night, who has experienced it for months effectively and took his advice of playing no more than 8 tables at any one time. This was a correct decision I felt and something I might adhere to in the future. It allowed me to analyse each decision effectively but I just could not win the flips for the life of me.

This example will sum it up perfectly: 6pm, first tournament loads up. 3rd hand in I am dealt KK. I get it in against QQ and sure enough a lady appears on the turn.

That's just the story of the last fortnight and I cannot seem to do anything about it!

Still, it has to turn around and I am determined for it to. I'm just starting a daytime session now, as obviously I'll be cheering England on later this evening so won't be playing. I'll do the same tomorrow I think, as a mate has come up short on Royal Ascot tickets (bastard) but have plans tomorrow evening. Then its the inevitable Sunday grind. How I would love the swong to turn around then..............